Saturday, May 04, 2013

May the 4th be with you! Star Wars Day Special: The Mystery of Why Storm Troopers Fail.

Time Ago
In Old Movie Theaters Far Far Away

Welcome to this entirely random episode, about our favorite faceless white & black minions: Imperial Stormtroopers!(you must hum the first few bars of the Imperial March everytime Stormtroopers are mentioned!)  (And Jawas- and everytime jawas are mentioned Utini!)

Que the theme music:

For some of us, like me,  we were first introduced to these armored blaster packing ship storming shock troops when they cut through the door of Princess Leias Corellian Corvette, and though the cloud of smoke blaster bolts start flying and the Rebel dudes with the stupid helmets die like a bunch chumps with airsoft pistols trying to fend off a SEAL team.   Then you see Darth Vader walk in,  and look around like,  'Good job bitches!'  And you think whoa! those dudes must be awesome if they hang around that guy!   No, bear in mind- I was 4.

So,  fast forward though the droids, the escape pod, whiny kid, desert, uncle is a dick, droid runs off,  OMG sand people!!,  weird old dude,  hologram that Luke pervs on like its the first porn he has ever seen,  and then we get to the next key piece of  evidence in my Stormtrooper mystery.

The Jawa Sandcrawler.   Obi Wan claimed "These blast points,  only Imperial storm troopers are so precise.  And these bantha tracks, sand people ride single file to hide thier numbers...."

Now,  we have to scenes,  the storming of the corvette, and the pillage of some Jawas(where these all powerful Storm troopers for some reason tried to do a cover up and blame the sand people?  WTF?)  to validate the Stormtroopers skills and how lethal they're supposed to be.

So,  what happened after the Jawas?  Did the slaughter of the Jawas,  and maybe even Owen and Baru give all the clone storm troopers some sort of empathic PTSD?  They got so rattled that they couldnt fight properly anymore?

Next song:

Heres my theory.  The Jawas did it!  Everyone thinks theyre just little robed sand rats that scavenge droids and junk.  But what if thats just a cover?   What if the Jawas are actually just peaceful but powerful latent force users?   And when the Storm troopers killed off a whole Sandcrawler community(And why didnt Obi Wan feel THAT disturbance in the Force when it was just a few miles away?)    the Jawa mind Ninjas got angry-  so angry that they decided to put a big time bad juju machine curse on the whole fucking Empire because some D-bag Stormtroopers used them for target practice when they were looking for some droids.

Trash compactor shutting off on the detention level?  Jawas.
The interrogation droid pumping Leia full of happy drugs.  Seriously, she saw her home planet get nuked- never got upset,  and then 'arent you a lil short for a storm trooper?'  They had that bot pump her full of frikkin combat drugs so she could lead Han, Chewie and Luke off he Deathstar!
Blast doors closing in Vaders face after he killed Obi Wan so Luke could escape-Jawas
Tractor beam turning off so the Falcon could escape? Jawas
Death Stars targeting computer taking FOREVER to target Rebel base- Jawas
Turret defenses on Death Star shutting down- Jawas
Deathstar exhaust port- reversing, and sucking in- so even Luke could land some torpedoes in it- Jawas

Empire Strikes Back-as the story moves farther away from Tattooine the influence of the Jawas is not as strong- but it is still present!
Giant awesome walking tanks that are blaster proof-tripped by tiny wires- Jawas
Ion Cannon- DUH  Thats a fucking Jawa gun! They blasted R2D2 with one- somewhere on Hoth theres Eskimo Jawas scrapping Imperial walker parts and laughing about how mugh they charged the Rebels to buld that Ion cannon back in the day. -Jawas
Lil pigfaced dudes on Bespin- Ughnaughts, theyre Jawas Brothers from another mother.  So,  while they not part of the Jawa Mind Ninja allaince-  the Jawas think kindly of them and spared Bespin from outright destruction, but the Jawa anti Imperial machine curse was spread to Bespin via R2D2
Luke falling down the funslide version of the trash chute- and not the one to an incinerator, or one that was just open at the bottom- Jawas

Return of The Jedi-
Looking at the utter ridiculousness of the rescue plan for Han, the only way it worked was with the help of the Jawas.   Think Luke throwing that skull made the gate crash down on the Rancor? -Jawas
Boba Fett- the most badassed character and bounty hunter in the Star Wars Universe- looks like a fucking clown because none of his gear works right?  Jawa machine curse bitches- he's like the grandaddy storm trooper clone so he got EXTRA screwed and dunked like a  mandalOreo( <-- a="" actually="" ad="" amuses="" and="" awa="" been="" bitches.="" broken-="" but="" curse="" died="" have="" he="" i="" in="" it="" just="" made="" may="" me="" nbsp="" over="" p="" pit.="" really="" sarlac="" slowly="" survived...="" that="" the="" thousand="" up="" vengeance="" years="">Speeder bikes- aside from making cool noises- riding one in a forest seems like a death wish.  You'd think with space ship technology they could put even a basic collision avoidance system on a speeder like that.  But then there wouldnt have been a dramatic chase scene...with storm troopers that cant hit anything they shoot at.... -Jawas
On Endor- once again fancy Imperial walkers- tripped with ropes, logs and rocks- this time by spear wielding monkeys- a company of storm troopers again cannot seem to shoot any of them- except by accident.  -Jawas
On the half built Death Star...this time the weak point doesnt have a pesky exhaust port.  Nope.  Just a whole access shaft that a friggin freighter can fly through(Millenium Falcon is a Corellian freighter hull).  The engineers that desinged this were on the schedule to be Force choked- but Vaders schedule got backed up.  So instead it was firing squad.  3 days later the engineers had not yet starved to death, and the Stormtrooper execution detail was out of ammo.  And the tunnel was built.   -Jawas
The Super Stardestroyer- we'll just gloss over the fact 2 fighters makin a single pass destroyed thier forward deflector array(Jawas).  But then they call to intensify forward firepower- Derp- its a STAR DESTROYER its already got intense forward firepower dumbass.  But then he has to say it again.  But thats just to make it MORE dramatic when the SUPER BALLSY A-wing pilot goes all Divine Wind and attacks a Super Star Destroyer head on O.o  Then somehow he just happen to know where the bridge is,  and manages to fly his jacked up A-wing right into it.  Jawa Astromech!
Then- the Super Star Destroyer without a Bridge- is now out of control- because unlike Star Trek ships- giant Star Wars ships- have NO ENGINEERING sections or back up bridges- so when all the Storm Troopers ran to the port side escape pods,  the ship tilted over from the weight, and crashed into the Death Star.  Jawas.
Darth Vaders cybernetics rebooting so he could toss Palpatine down the shaft- Jawas.

Now- the final mind bender.  The Grand Jawa.
I've postulated Jawas are latent Force users.
I will also support this further- becuase all Jedi wear robes right?  Jawas wear robes, ergo- Jawas must be Jedi!
No one knows what Jawas look like under their robes- only that they have glowing eyes and that they are short.

Who else do we know of thats short, wears a robe, uses the Force,  and is of an unknown species?

Yep, for StarWars day- I am stipulating, that Jawas, are young peaceful 'Yodas' that actually won the war for the Rebellion by cursing the Empire.

And if the Jawas handn't kicked Yoda off Tattooine for being a violent little bastard a several thousand years ago, he might have corrupted all of the Jawas into being a warlike race of mean little sun baked Jedi death machines with tiny light sabers!    {{{I had a clever comment here- but theres some sort of editing bot that basically raped it ouut of existance-  so-  no making fun of Mr Abrams and the future potential of my ideas for a Star Wars movie!}}}

(I also think Jawas sneak into peoples houses at night and infect them with Midi-chlorians haahahah)

May the 4th be with you! Always!   

(At least until tomorrow when we get to celebrate the Mexicans defaulting on the money they owed to the French a 151 years ago!)


  1. Anyone know how to stop the damn " data-blogger-escaped-a="" data-blogger-escaped-actually="" data-blogger-escaped-ad= " from screwing up parts of the formatting? I have no clue why its randomly appearing in parts of my post....

  2. I thought that was a clever reference to something I didn't get.

    Don't forget that the Ewoks turned the Imperiums most elite troops into teddy bear fodder, not just your run of the mill clones! Jawas, Jawas everywhere.


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